Speaking Confidentially...

“Pastor, how is so-and-so doing?”

You might not realize it, but this can be a difficult question for me to answer. Sometimes I don’t know—perhaps I haven’t seen that person in a while and don’t have an update. If that’s the case, I’ll say that. Sometimes I do know, and know what I can share, and I will tell you what I can. But sometimes I do know but cannot say, or am not sure of what I can say. I can’t tell you what I know, because it is (or might be) private. I can’t tell you that I know something but can’t say what it is, because that alerts you to the fact that there is something that the person you are asking about wants to keep private. It is better for me to say nothing, or something very general, than to say something I should not. On the other hand, just because I say something general does not mean that there is something I know but cannot tell you. Do you see why a simple, well-intentioned question becomes hard for me?

As a pastor, I am bound to keep confidential what is confided to me, except in certain situations. (If you’re interested in more information about what those situations are, please come talk to me.) However, I can’t always tell if what you say to me is something you are confiding to me in private or if it is general information that is public knowledge. When and how you tell me can give me clues, but because I have to err on the side of caution and confidentiality, I will keep my mouth shut unless I know I don’t have to. If I have the chance, I will ask if the information is public or private and how I should treat it, but I don’t always get the chance.

Given all this, there are several ways you can help me to know what I may share and what I should not:

• When you share something with me, particularly if it relates to a health concern for you or a loved one, please let me know directly if this is something that is public information or something that you wish me to keep in confidence. It also helps if you let me know that you are telling a few people but not everyone. That way, if I do hear about it from someone else, I won’t automatically assume that it has become public knowledge.

• Tell me, or Sandra, if you want your name on the prayer list. We never put someone on the prayer list without express permission. Please also tell us when you want your name taken off of the list. You don’t have to say why you want to be on the list, although I find it helpful to know why so that my private prayers can be more personal. Along with that, if you know that someone else is going through something but see that their name isn’t on the prayer list, please don’t ask me or Sandra why it is not. The answer will always be the same: “Because they did not ask to be on the prayer list.” There are many reasons why someone would choose not to be on the list, ranging from “It’s not that big an issue” to “I don’t want to deal with the questions.” Also, by asking why that person is not on the list, you might be revealing something that is not yours to reveal.

• Please do not assume that telling someone else in the congregation is the same as telling me. If you are telling only a few people and expecting them to keep it to themselves, they should honor your trust and not tell me. Even if you intend what you are saying to be public knowledge, quite often everyone assumes that the pastor must have heard it from someone else, and I thus become the last person to know.

• If you are, or know you are going to be, hospitalized, please tell me directly, or have a family member do so. Again, please do not assume that I will find out ‘somehow.’ Do not assume that the hospital will call me. Most no longer do so, and even if I do get a call, it might come too late for me to visit while you are still there. If you wish me to, I am happy to come visit you in the hospital, or to come pray with you before you go into the hospital or have an outpatient procedure done, but I need to know that it is happening. If you do not want me to know, that is certainly up to you as well.

Pastoral confidentiality can become a dangerous and murky area if not handled carefully and well. If I am to retain your trust, I need to be extremely careful what I say about how anyone is doing. So please, if you want me to know something, tell me directly, and tell me if you want me to keep it in confidence. And when you ask how so-and-so is doing, please understand why often you will get only a very general answer. Remember, I can’t tell you any more about so-and-so than you would want me to tell so-and-so about you if the situation was reversed.

Peace,

Pastor Shawn